Founding Falters
The Republican Senators did not feel guilty about their votes in the Great Impeachment Coverup of 2020, but they did want to avoid any unpleasant consequences to themselves, such as uncomfortable encounters with horrified reporters or outraged constituents. A few of them decided that the better part of valor would be to leave the Senate Chamber by a little-known passage, which was seldom used because no one seemed to know exactly where it led. Unbeknownst to his colleagues, Senator Mitch McConnell had a plan based on his own secret knowledge.
“Follow me,” he told his stalwartest stalwarts, “I can completely reverse the widely-held belief that we have disgraced our nation by betraying every principle of the Constitution.” The Senators were used to following McConnell’s lead, so they saw nothing wrong with this extravagant promise.
After what seemed like an eternity of wandering through dark and mysterious corridors, Senator Lindsey Graham finally had the courage to ask “Where are we going?”
“This secret corridor will take us back in time to the Constitutional Convention. Once we arrive we can simply talk the drafters out of including any mention of impeachment in the Constitution itself. If that doesn’t work, I brought Wite-Out.”
The Senators thought this was a splendid plan, and they trudged on.
Eventually they arrived at an ornate and heavy door, deeply covered in dust. They turned the handle and together they pushed against the door. Slowly it opened on a room full of men in powdered wigs.
The men in powdered wigs stopped their conversations and stared at the strangely-dressed newcomers.
Senator McConnell stepped forward. “Hi,” he said, “We’re from the world’s greatest deliberative body, and we’re here to see that you don’t make any mistakes I can’t fix later.”
The man at the lectern looked dubious. “I don’t understand who you are, but we can use all the help we can get. We are voting to declare independence from Great Britain, and we don’t want to make any mistakes.”
“Independence? You mean this isn’t the Constitutional Convention?”
“I have no idea what you are referring to. This is the Second Continental Congress. I am the president, John Hancock.”
Senator McConnell thought fast. They could easily have taken a wrong turn somewhere and ended up at the wrong convention, but the consequences could be serious. Could he make this turn of events work for him? He saw an opening.
“Hancock, eh? The insurance guy? Always glad to meet the founder of one of my donors. We are the heirs of the nation you are creating right now. We venerate your names and have your pictures on our money. We are the inheritors of the nation you are voting to create right now. 250 years from now my colleagues will be your representatives, the proud culmination of your Declaration of Independence. We are happy to help you out. Why don’t you give us your best arguments and we’ll let you know what we think”
“No taxation without representation,” said Hancock quickly. “Represenatation is an elastic term,” replied Senator McConnell, “I like to say it’s in the eye of the beholder. Why not be on the safe side and just say ‘No taxation,’ period?” Benjamin Franklin jumped up. “Then how will you pay for government services? The roads? The Post Office?” “One word,” replied McConnell, “Privatization.” Franklin paled. “A republic if you can keep it,” he muttered.
“What else you got?” asked McConnell.
Patrick Henry rose and declaimed, “Give me liberty or give me death!”
“Okey-dokey,” said Senator John Cornyn. He pulled out his concealed handgun and shot Henry on the spot.
George Washington rose next to report on the progress of the war. “We have reason to believe that the British will be attacking Manhattan,” he said.
Senator Rand Paul jumped up. “You got that from Nathan Hale, didn’t you?” he shouted. “That’s Hale, H-A-L-E, of Oak Lane in New London, Connecticut. Did everyone get that? Does anyone here have a microphone? Is anyone in touch with General Howe?”
Thomas Jefferson rose and read from his draft, “The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States.”
Senator Lindsey Graham laughed. “Tyranny is sooo overrated,” he said. “That’s true,” chimed in Senator McConnell. “The way I look at it is tyranny is only bad If someone else does it.”
Hancock banged his gavel. “Thank you for your input, inheritors of our great experiment. It’s time now for us to take our historic vote on declaring independence,” he announced. A few minutes later, he counted the ballots submitted by each of the thirteen colonies. Shaken, he announced the results:
“That’s two No votes,” he said, “and eleven votes for ‘Good God, Let’s Just Forget the Whole Thing’.”
