History Is Bunk (if you do it right)
Welcome to Feelgoodhistory™! Feelgoodhistory™ is the solution to a problem you didn’t know you had until this year. Rather than going into boring detail, let’s head straight to the FAQs to explain what Feelgoodhistory™ is and why you need it.
· What is Feelgoodhistory™?
Feelgoodhistory™ is similar to, and may be indistinguishable from, the history most of us vaguely remember from elementary school. We at Feelgoodhistory™ have just edited and updated it into a convenient package and trademarked it. Now school districts whose state legislatures have created confusing new laws specifying how history should be taught have a single conveniently available package that will satisfy whatever state law specifies. Feelgoodhistory™ lessons make it clear that the one constant in history is that the Americans are the good guys, no matter what the circumstances. (The one exception to this rule, the history of the years 1861–1865, is dealt with in an asterisk.)
· What’s so great about Feelgoodhistory™?
Feelgoodhistory™ has been prepared by a crack team of dilettantes based on what they remember from their own elementary and high school history classes. This ensures that students will learn all the great stories and that none of the historiographical controversies of recent years will be touched on in any way.
· Who pays for Feelgoodhistory™?
The Heritage Foundation, we hope. Or maybe the Kochs. Failing that, taxpayers. But really, Heritage Foundation, it’s right up your alley. Yours too, remaining Koch brother.
· Will Feelgoodhistory™ make all children feel good?
That depends on the children. As long as the children identify with the Americans and understand that the Americans are the good guys in all of history, they should feel good. It may be just a little easier for binary straight Christian boys who are descended exclusively from northern Europeans to feel good, but that has always been the case and, God willing, always will be.
· Lots of things at school don’t make children feel good. Why should history be different?
Shhhhh! Of course school is not always supposed to make children feel good. If it were, it would be a waste of all that misery when we were in school. History should make adults feel good. If children learn a lot of bad stuff there is a danger that they will make their parents and teachers feel bad, or even worse, upset important members of the community. They might even start demanding changes and they might grow up to vote for who knows what kind of people. Best to nip that in the bud.
· I know that Critical Race Theory is bad, but what is it?
You do not actually have to know the answer to that question to keep Critical Race Theory out of the classroom. It’s not like anyone is going to teach it by accident. It’s very complicated! If you really want to know what it says you can read law review articles. Law reviews were the only sources to discuss Critical Race Theory before the Trump Administration got hold of it. Although no one is likely to teach Critical Race Theory by accident, it is possible to violate the law by mistake. This is because the legislators who wrote and passed the laws don’t know what Critical Race Theory is either. That is why it is a good idea to spend a heap of taxpayer’s money on Feelgoodhistory™’s prepackaged K-12 curriculum (special quantity discounts available for foundations that buy in bulk to distribute to underfunded school districts).
· What should we teach instead of Critical Race Theory?
Critical Race Theory is just a theory. That means it could be wrong, like evolution or gravity. The Feelgoodhistory™ team has developed the perfect pedagogic antidote to Critical Race Theory, Uncritical Race Gospel™.
Uncritical Race Gospel™ lists all the attributes that have been attributed over the years to groups that are not binary straight Christian men descended exclusively from northern Europeans, so that the next generation will grow up always knowing how to complete the eternal Feelgoodhistory™ credo, “I’m not a racist but….”
