If the Tribute Fits
Naming things after presidents is a long-standing American tradition: cities, schools, roads, bridges, airports, and even a state all bear the names of some of our most memorable (and sometimes forgettable) chief executives. In most cases the naming begins after their terms have ended, and most often even after their lives have ended. We have only had one president who not only didn’t want to wait until he was dead, he didn’t even want to wait until he was president. Given the job he is doing, not waiting may turn out to be a smart move. Most Americans want nothing more than to forget Trump and his grim joke of a presidency as soon as possible. Trump may well become the only American president to have more things named after him before he was president than after.
Who would want to name a school after a guy who didn’t even know what color the stripes are on the American flag? In any case, how could Donald Trump High School hope to match the academic distinction of Trump University?
It’s not that Trump doesn’t want things named after him. His personal history shows that he is more eager than most to bestow his name on anything that will accept it. If he has not yet ordered the obsequious and subservient Republican Congress to change the name of the country to Trumpia it’s probably just because he is waiting until they use up the old stationery.
Not everyone wants to send their children to Trump Middle School on Trump Boulevard in Trump City. Those who don’t should take the lead in finding more appropriate ways to commemorate Trump. It shouldn’t be difficult. The world is full of things that are crying out to be called “Trump.”
The first obvious namesake for Trump is a hurricane. Trump’s environmental policy of promoting global warming should be memorialized by naming all future hurricanes “Trump,” but that would fly in the face of years of the peculiar tradition of giving storms individual human-sounding names. This tradition could be accommodated by naming hurricanes Trump I, Trump II, and so forth, like European kings. Like kings, hurricanes could further be distinguished with epithets, like Hurricane Trump the Bald, Hurricane Trump the Fat, Hurricane Trump the Mad, and so forth. Even if he didn’t relish the characterizations, Trump would surely be on board with the king thing.
An obvious thing to name after someone who acts like a gangster is a crime. Crimes are not usually named after people, but exceptions can be made. Look at Ponzi. Or Quisling. (Neither is in the statute books, but that’s just another opportunity for Trump to surpass the competition.) “Collusion” is not the technical name of a crime, but it may include a number of crimes. “Treason” is the name of a crime. Someone who is not guilty of treason, technically defined, could still betray the country and be guilty of a crime. If that turns out to be true of Trump, the crime could be named after him.
Another good namesake for Trump would be a disease, preferably a sexually transmitted one. Whenever the CDC wanted to track transmission of the disease by asking patients to name their sexual partners they would decline to answer based on nondisclosure agreements they had signed, and the CDC researcher would say “Aha,” and note “Trump’s Disease” on the record.
From communicable diseases it’s an easy step to psychiatric disorders, where Trump clearly shines. Many have concluded that there is ample reason to believe that Trump is afflicted with narcissism. Fine, but who was Narcissus? A mythological character who fell in love with his own reflection. Wouldn’t it be better to name a condition after a real person who set an indelible example of actual behavior that dedicated proponents of the pathology can try to emulate (not that they’d succeed, of course, because Trump is preeminent)? It’s time to change “Narcissism” to “Trumpianism.” Write your psychiatrist today!
Another pathology that deserves the Trump name has manifested itself recently. If “Trump Traumatic Stress Disorder” is not in the DSM, it should be added forthwith. Trump is probably delighted to think that people he doesn’t like are traumatized. Why do we need a “Trump Traumatic Stress Disorder” when there is a recognized condition called “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?” There is a difference with probable clinical significance and definite real-world significance. Post Traumatic stress disorder occurs when a patient experiences emotional distress after a traumatic experience. In “Trump Traumatic Stress Disorder” the patient experiences emotional distress, but the traumatic experience is not in the past. It goes on and on, and no one knows when it will end.
