The First Bilingual Vocabulary for the Trump Era
Many have observed that Trump-Americans and pre-Trump Americans live in different realities. They also speak different languages. Both languages have changed over the last months. Below is a vocabulary list to help you keep up. The language is indicated for each entry with the notation TNT (Trump New Terminology) and PTSD (Pre-Trump Standard Dictionary)
Kinds of People in the Current Landscape
Alt-Right (TNT): Unutterably clever euphemism used to divert suspicion until such time as it can be made acceptable to be straightforwardly “nazi” and “racist” again.
Majority (TNT): 1. Obs. More than half. 2. People who agree with Republicans, regardless of numbers.
Minority (TNT): 1. Obs. Less than half. 2. People of objectionable sex, race, religion, or ethnicity, regardless of numbers. These people should not be allowed to vote because they don’t do it right.
Cuckservative (TNT): “I, the person using this white-supremacist-coined word, am massively deficient in one or more of the following: mental stability, confidence in my gender identity, or human decency. Moreover I am oblivious to this deficiency, as shown by my failure to choose another word that would do a better job of concealing it.”
Trumpskyite (PTSD): Fanatical supporter of Trump whose expressed values completely reverse themselves on a regular basis to keep up with Trump. Typically they are newly enthusiastic about Russia and about foreign tampering in U.S. elections.
Koch-sucker (var. Koch-head)( PTSD): Elected official who supports the plutocratic and antidemocratic agenda of the Koch brothers and has by pure coincidence received campaign contributions from, of all people, the Koch brothers.
Mercernary (PTSD): Elected official who supports the plutocratic and antidemocratic agenda of the Mercer family and has by pure coincidence received campaign contributions from, of all people, the Mercer family.
Mercernary Koch-sucker Trumpskyites (PTSD): A surprising number of Republicans in Congress.
The New Epistemology
Fake News (PTSD): 1. Anything the administration would like you not to believe.
2. Objectively true.
Alternative Facts (PTSD): 1. Anything the administration would like you to believe.
2. Objectively false
Deep State (PTSD): 1. State of denial so profound that is completely impervious to persuasion based on facts or reason. Common among Trumskyites
2. U.S. states where otherwise inexplicable legislation is enacted due to prevalence of voters afflicted with Deep State condition.
Our New Best Friends and Top Allies
Russian Nesting Dolls (PTSD): Highly popular Russian craft invented for the purpose of serving as a perfect metaphor whenever it became necessary to investigate the convoluted Russian manipulation of an American election.
Winter White House (PTSD): Vast palace in St. Petersburg, Russia, former official residence of Tsars.
Winter Palace (PTSD): Showy Florida resort where Trump goes every weekend to play golf.
Faberge Egg (PTSD): Spectacular and elaborate jeweled eggs created for the last two Tsars of Russia by the House of Faberge. Too small and unostentatious to interest Trump.
The New Jurisprudence
Self-limiting Legal Theory (PTSD): Legal theory, usually transparently preposterous, designed to apply only to a specific set of facts for the sole purpose of reaching a desired conclusion in a particular case and never intended to be applied to any other facts where an undesirable conclusion might result. The best-known example is the majority opinion in Bush v. Gore but many more examples are expected once Trump gets another justice.
Perjury (TNT): Lies told by other people.
Treason (TNT): You should be ashamed of using such a negative word. The correct term is now “alternative allegiance action.”
Murder (TNT): Killing performed by other people.
Conflict of Interest (TNT): Never heard of it.
Policy Language
Black Lives Matter (TNT): Not to this administration.
All Lives Matter (TNT): We absolutely 100% believe this with all our hearts. Of course there are a few tiny exceptions, notably lives of black people, brown people, Muslim people, Jewish people, people of all those other religions we can’t tell apart, LGBTQ people, female people, immigrant people, foreign people, liberal and Democratic people, disabled people, preexisting condition people, poor people (and to be absolutely honest, middle class and working class people). Did I forget anyone?
Education (TNT): An expensive commodity, which if we stop providing so much of it to all those children will not only save money that can go to cut corporate taxes but also provide labor for all those menial jobs formerly done by undocumented immigrants. Two birds with one stone! Also, fewer educated people to vote against us. Three birds!
Water (TNT): Liquid which enters your home through pipes, now accompanied by many added ingredients. Thanks to the Trump EPA, you don’t even know what they are. Who doesn’t love surprises?
Air (TNT): Not what is used to be, thanks to the Trump EPA. Don’t worry, though. Research scientists are working on breathable air packs, soon to be commercially available exclusively through the otherwise-tanking Trump Enterprises Minimally Visually Impaired Trust.
Political Terminology
Covfefe (TNT): When I use a word it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.
Gerrymandering (TNT): 1. Obs. Manipulation of legislative districts to favor one party or the other.
2. Common-sense system for making sure that elections come out right.
White Privilege (TNT): Republicans’ secret weapon, even better than the Russians. Shhhhh. Works best on people who don’t know they have it.
Situation Room (TNT): Formerly a secure conference room in the White House from which the president and high-level security advisers managed serious crises. Donald Trump has recently repurposed it as an Ivanka Trump Collection Boutique.
Democracy (PTSD): Obs. Government by the people.
Plutocracy (PTSD): Government by the rich.
Kleptocracy (PTSD): Corrupt government by thieves.
Kakistocracy (PTSD): Government by the worst people in society.
Hypocracy (PTSD): Government that purports to be one type, e.g. democracy, but is actually another type.
Kakiplutokleptocracy (PTSD): Government by evil, wealthy thieves
